MachineGunMama's Mind

A slightly crooked log of my inner thoughts and outer activities


8 Comments

My Mind Is Clawing At The Hinges

I did it.

I actually opened my laptop, I actually opened up my WordPress dashboard, and then I actually hit the ‘Add New’ post button. My heart is racing, thumping loudly in my chest.

Now what?

I despise that combination of words.

-focus Lacy-

It’s been 50+ days since I last wrote a post, and 50+ days that I even acknowledged that I had a blog… a blog that I loved for that matter.

I abandoned it at the drop of my mental hat, which is a pretty ME thing to do. Lame, I know.

Anyways, I’m gonna try to get back on the horse. Maybe repair my blog-esteem a little.

Also, I want to let my readers and friends know that I am ok, great in fact. I do apologize for leaving shit up in the air all crazy like.

Shit did get bad, but it wasn’t the end of the world and we survived it. (While I was busy having a nervous breakdown about the water getting shut off, the gas got shut off instead. SO, we didn’t have hot water, a stove to cook with, or heat when the weather dropped out of nowhere for 2 months…but we SURVIVED and were way ok.)

In the meantime, I landed my perfect job (Assistant Manager at my favorite local thrift store with FULL CREATIVE FREEDOM). You can’t even imagine how much working has benefitted my mental state, I feel like a whole new person. Though now I need to figure out how to balance a regular work schedule with home and re-instate my creative self.

But that’s OK, I know it can be done and I will be ok!

This is a new me and I have to figure out where I fit in. The last few months have been eye-opening and life-altering and I’m still not sure what direction I’m supposed to steer myself.

But Anywho, I just wanted to say “Heeeeeeeeey Everybody! I’ve missed you, I’m back and I’m super excited to be here!” :)


16 Comments

It’s Time To Force Some Creativity

Meet My Beloved Sewing Machine :)

Meet My Beloved Sewing Machine :)

 

Hey Friends!!! How in the hell are you?!

I am…well…I’m not quite sure as of late, so I’ve decided to force myself back into creating happiness all around me.

I don’t necessarily want to, but I think if I force it, I will in turn find that I do really want to and I will get back to me quicker.

I hope that makes sense, if not…well try and keep up will you? :)

 

So-

About a month (probably longer) ago, all of my sewing projects came to a quick halt when I discovered how to read a crochet pattern. Additionally, I was super put off by the fact that I didn’t have the necessary supplies to properly complete the sewing projects I had in mind. I love knits, all kinds. I can’t stand cotton and hate that it’s so much easier to work with than knit. I’d reached an impasse where my abilities and supplies met when wanting to make some knit clothing for my girls and myself: no serger, broke my only twin needle, and no walking foot. Not to mention no money to buy these things even if the stores in this town even HAD what I needed. Can you believe that between 2 craft stores and Wal-Mart that not a single twin-needle could be found? How lame!

So needless to say, I got discouraged, decided that crochet was the way to go for right now and I pushed my sewing machine over and shoved my projects in the corner.

Well…My Mama is a super sweet chick. She knew what was up and decided to be an amazing mama and help a sad seamstress out! She got me all the stuff I needed, I was so happy, my mom rocks. She didn’t even tell me she was going to, what an awesome surprise!

Check it out!

well, I suppose this is only the packaging, but you get the point

well, I suppose this is only the packaging, but you get the point

This is exactly how it came-the needles all floating around in a ziploc, how funny

This is exactly how it came-the needles all floating around in a ziploc, how funny

All hooked up and ready to sew!

All hooked up and ready to sew!

THANK YOU MAMA!!!

She got me these probably a couple of weeks ago already, so I’m feeling pretty guilty for not using them yet. So, with a little helpful inspiration from my friend Ben over at Spider-Man Mashup Cosplay Costume who is getting his very first sewing machine in the mail  TOMORROW, I’ve decided that today is the freaking day. My baby is coming out of retirement and I’m going to learn how to use this bad-ass walking foot to my ever-growing advantage! (Rawr! I totally felt like I needed to rip my shirt off like the Hulk right then).

Ok.

This blogging thing has already took up most of my morning; I have teeth to brush, chill’ren to satiate, and sewing to do!

Peace Out Homies :)


18 Comments

Where Is My Mind?

It’s disappeared, of that I’m pretty sure.
I’m not depressed, or even unhappy. In fact I’m madly in love with my guy and my wee ones.
So why do I feel so….absent?

Argh. I don’t freaking know.

I read this the other day…
“When things aren’t normal, do normal things.”

So that’s what I’m trying to do.


26 Comments

I’m Inspiring To Somebody. How Awesome Is THAT?

At a time when I’m feeling bogged down and my mind has seemed to go completely numb, I get smacked in the face with this:

 

very inspiring blogger

 

It was a GOOD smack in the face, please don’t misunderstand me :) I’m thinking this is awesome right? Right. This in turn, INSPIRES me to get out of my icky rut of the last couple weeks and wake back up. I needed this encouragement.

Thank you to my friend Diana over at Trying To Make Things Right for nominating me for such a great award. It’s an honor for real! Do me a favor and go check out her blog and see if you can figure out why I think she’s so great :)

Here are the rules for this award.

1.Thank and link to the amazing person who nominated you.

2.List the rules and display the award.

3.Share seven facts about yourself.

4.Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

5.Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you

 

 

Seven facts about me

1. I can never remember if the word ‘supposed’ as in “He was supposed to do it yesterday” has one or two p’s

2. Seeing the final Twilight movie saga finale Breaking Dawn tore me up inside for literally almost a week, both physically and mentally. I can’t really explain it, it sucked.

3. Almost every wall of my house is covered in my family’s artwork; graffitti murals, crayon drawings on huge paper, paintings, stories, banners, etc. I NEED it like that.

4. I think I draw super-great hearts <3

5. I love the color orange. And magenta, and gold, royal blue, turqouise, goldenrod yellow, fuschia, black. I love colors.

6. I feel compelled to learn about all of the religions and belief systems out there. It’s confusing.

7. 7 was my favorite number growing up. It was my favorite age of childhood, it’s also how old my middle child is. If I had a superpower, it would be to go back to 7 years old whenever I wanted. When I was 7, I found a little stick that was in the shape of a 7, I still have it.

 

After getting the notification about this nomination, I had to think a little bit about what it means to be inspiring. Then I got to thinking about what it is to even be inspired, what is inspiration? Where does it come from? How do we get it and what do we do with it?

The possible answers to that question are infinite, literally.

Everybody is inspired differently and for different things. We can be inspired to make a difference in the world or our community, we can be inspired to change ourselves or our outlook, we can be inspired to try a new hobby or get out of our normal comfort zones. The list goes on.

This award is a little more special to me for one reason- I never sought out to BE inspiring;  I started this blog to be INSPIRED. So the fact that in my quest to find inspiration for life, I have  in turn inspired somebody else is truly INSPIRING!! (sorry, I had to do it ).

On that note, blogs can inspire in many different ways. I thought about the different reasons I read each blog in my Reader each day.

What do they do for me? Why do I keep going back?

Each does something different, but every one of these blogs truly inspire my daily life; whether it be an amazing sewing or crochet project that makes me want to do the same thing, or a life lesson about friends and truly feeling a connection to someone out there, or finding the courage to go the freaking distance in ANY issue I might face.

There are so many awesome ways to be inspiring and to be inspired. It’s pretty cool, my brain over analyzed the crap out of it for a bit.

 

Here are 15 blogs that inspire me on a daily, in no certain order :)

1. OurWorldHeritage.Be

2. Contortum Designs

3. Mykul Mitch

4. Fuwa Fuwa

5. Afrsss

6. Purple Dragon Crafts

7. Mistress of The Hearth

8. Stitch Boom Bang!

9. I’d Rather Sew

10. Cannabis Patients Alliance

11. Fall From Grace Crafts

12. The Seamly Gamer

13. What’s Poppin?

14. Spider Man Mashup Cosplay Costume

15. Made By Pensuke

 

There you have it! Every single one of these blogs is amazing and super inspiring in their own way to me. Thank you awesome bloggers for doing what you do!

Go check them out and get some inspiration of your own. For real.

Thank you again Diana for being you :)

Peace out homies!

MGM


6 Comments

My Mind Is On Fire

Not in a good way.

I need to do a little free writing. Actually, I feel like it is more whining and freaking the eff out but, hey.

I’ve been avoiding my blog and all other sane, relaxed and good feelings the last few weeks, maybe more. I haven’t wanted to write a post about this because it’s not what I wanted my blog to be about, me and my feelings.

I don’t like feelings.

I am literally so stressed out of my mind that anxiety has taken over every corner of it and I feel like I’ve lost control. Panic attacks seem to be happening out of the blue again with more frequency.

And if it makes sense, I am having one right now as I type. I’m shaky with worry, guilt, fear, boredom, WONDERING about “what if”s” and uncertainty. It hurts and my brain can’t take it any more!

Now what?

Now what?

Now what?

Those words evoke a feeling of boring desperateness that I can’t shake. The only thing I can let myself accomplish regularly is the dishes; which normally would be a great thing (Yay! I formed a good habit!). But the real reason is that every morning I wait for the City Water truck to show up and shut my water off. So I’d better have the dishes done before they get here right?!

Paranoia has super set in and it sucks so bad. I keep telling myself, “it’s not the end of the world Lacy, chill the fuck out”, and it’s not the end of the world.

My mother lives a mile away, I have water stored in jugs everywhere, you know, it’s a hiccup.

So why am I so worried?

I’m embarrassed I think. The bitches that I deal with down at the city department treat me like I’m scum and that I CHOOSE not to pay my bills. WTF. I’m poor as fuck. I’m so sorry.

Additionally, my rental company already threatened me 8 months ago that they could evict me for it happening again, and now it is. So I’m scared I’m going to lose my home.

And of course, this fear comes just after the amazing relief I felt when just me and the Love decided to hold off on Colorado for a year to get better prepared…and to have this baby.

I was so happy! A million pounds lifted from my shoulders, the guilt of leaving my family, the fear of failing, the FACT OF NO MONEY!!!

Then BOOM!

The threat of eviction looming over my head.

They were supposed to disconnect the water on the 14th and didn’t but told me I had to call and set up a payment plan. I didn’t because I don’t have any money to plan to pay, and honestly I’m scared to talk to them.

So every weekday from 7:30 am until 4 pm for the last 3 WEEKS, I have been waiting for them.

Oh my gosh, this is ridiculous. I feel ridiculous.

Did I mention I hate feeling?

Anyways, there is a ton more going on that is weighing me down like never before and I’m miserable. How do I know I’m way stressed out?

I found my first grey hairs this week. 

3 of them; wiry and silver sticking out from my pompadour bangs. Only about an inch and a half long so I know they are new!

Woe is me!

I’m sorry for this post, it’s lame, but I think I had to do it to let go of some of this.

Argh.

MGM


17 Comments

Rainbows Rock

It seems my mind has become a bit numb these last few (or more) days. I haven’t done anything creative in days and I am feeling extremely uninspired. Too much going on inside? Maybe. Probably.

Anyways, I thought I would share a small happy moment.

May-13-Rainbow

Rainbows tend to remind me of my cousin and my grandpa who have passed away. Thunderstorms seem to follow my families funerals, but that only means that a rainbow isn’t far behind :)

I miss you and love you Grandpa and Nick!

Till next time friend, hopefully my mind will pick up some functionality soon.

Peace Out!

MGM


15 Comments

Don’t Mind Me…

HandNoticeVintage-GraphicsFairy

 

 

Hello Friend! Happy Wednesday!

I just wanted to give a heads up that my site will be under construction for hopefully just today. I’ve been working on a test blog to change the look of the entire thing and I want to start putting it into action. If you have a second, pop over to my test blog and tell me what you think. It doesn’t have any real posts, its just layout and widget crap. Look here :)

I’m not sure about the graphic yet, it’s just a filler right now. Also, I’m having a little bit of difficulty getting the colors right, but my other theme was not really customizable (at least as far as I could figure out) so it was getting frustrating to work with. I like the 2 column style a lot. It’s not super “me” yet, but let me know what you think, PLEASE?

This is a great distraction for the day lol.

Thank you thank you.

MGM

Featured Image -- 563


4 Comments

Mellow Moms: Marijuana Babies Nearly Twice as Likely to Survive

Originally posted on Cannabis Patients Alliance:

Photo by Elnaz6

It’s 3 a.m. and I lean over my wife staggered in front of the porcelain toilet idol, pull her hair back from the retching, and hand her the vape pen. She takes it like it was Jesus himself who signed her weed script, inhales, and her convulsing storm calms.

“I just hope to God this isn’t hurting our baby,” she says.

It wasn’t. We had hit the bookstores on medical cannabis and pregnancy as soon as that stork first shit on the house, and what we learned mellowed the uptight Nancy Reagan of our consciences. We discovered that actually quite a bit of what’s in cannabis is good for a fetus.

One of the most shocking things I learned is that a baby that tests positive for THC has nearly twice the chance of surviving as a fetus that never inhaled.

A study published in the…

View original 276 more words


21 Comments

But I don’t know HOW to move across country!

I’m confused.

I’m frustrated.

I’m emotional.

I’m unsure.

I’m scared.

I’m tired.

I’m doubtful.

Those sure are a lot of negative things to be feeling. I’m pretty uncool with that, so I need to change it. Maybe writing about it could help? Too bad, my sweet Beretta looks lonely, so instead of writing about it, I will procrastinate some more and take her outside for a bit.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

That only helped slightly.

Anyways! What am I all in a tizzy about? Moving. Moving. Moving.

I have moved more than my fair share of times. I moved to Kentucky with my boyfriend when I was 17 years old, he had to become my legal guardian so I could finish high school. Talk about awkward. It didn’t work out. I moved back to Wisconsin and back in with my mother. As a young adult I would move on just a whim to wherever whoever was taking me. It was fun, adventurous.

I’ve moved in and out of my mother’s house 13 times. Seriously. She made it too easy to come back and as it turned out, I give up on shit REAL easy. I’ve moved in town, I’ve moved out of town. So why is this move making me so freaking crazy? Let me count the ways.

1. In the past, I always had someone in the town I was going to. This time, not so much. Neither of us knows anybody in Colorado. I told the man that he had better make sure that I’m what he wants, because when we get out there, we won’t have anyone but each other.

2. What the freaking crap am I going to do without my MOMMY??!!!!

3. I don’t know HOW to move across country. Oh sure, you see some houses online, make arrangements, hire a truck and go. Oh wait, I’m poor as all get out. This is why I think it’s not possible and I get scared and want to forget about it. But if I stay here, I WILL be poor as all get out for the rest of my life. That’s a fact. The unemployment rate around here is 11%. 11%!! There are no jobs for uneducated louts like me unless I want to be a seasonal waitress for the rest of my existence. So what part comes first? Finding a job? “Oh yes Lacy, we read your resume and would like to go forward with an interview. What’s that? You don’t even live here yet? Oh we will get back to you”.

4. My son lives in a town almost 2 hours away and I never get to see him. His dad is GAWD (that’s my way of not being sacrilegious) and I am the lowest piece of shit on earth. It’s funny, I never get to see my son because I’m a bad mom, yet I have SOLE custody of both of my daughters…how conflicting. But how do I tell my son I’m moving across country? Even scarier is the lashing his dad is going to give me. I’m terrified, no joke.

5. Every member of my family (mother, brother, sister) is a pack rat of a different sort. My hoarding consists of sewing and craft supplies, almost every toy and keep sake from my childhood (no joke, I’m just starting to allow the girls to play with MY Barbie’s), every piece of artwork and the like any of my kids have ever made, baby clothes as keepsakes, antique jars and glassware, BOOKS, furniture, tons of crap. So obviously, this crap can’t come with us because it will cost too much money. So I have been a reformed hoarder and am cleaning it out. I have literally filled the dumpster outside twice, the garage is full of only worth something shit for a garage sale, and I have dropped off donations 3 times. Emotionally, I’ve been handling it well. So far so good, until today. My house is becoming empty-ish. Good thing right? Hell NO! I find comfort in my stuff and now my house isn’t pretty and comfortable any more. It looks barren and sad. Now I’m sad.

6. Did I mention I’m about 6 weeks pregnant? Oh yeah! My emotions are on freaking overdrive starting today. I can’t stop crying. How dumb. I hate crying, it’s so ugly.

7. It’s too hard, I want to give up :(


12 Comments

Get Yourself Together Man!

Hello Friend!

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, I’m pretty sure I’m enjoying mine. :) The past 2 days, I have been day dreaming about amigurumi and waiting patiently for  a chance to work on my newest project. Enter nap time. Yay!

I found a super freaking cute dragon amigurumi pattern here by Sweet N’ Cute Creations the other day on Tumblr. Turns out there are quite a lot of really great amigurumi blogs on there, so I made an account just to follow them lol. And while I would love to show you a picture of the dragon from the pattern, I’m still unsure on the procedure of how to share one blog’s picture and make sure its all legit, so I’m not going to attempt it right now. Please take a second and click the link if you would like to see the dragon and a ton of other cute patterns at Sweet N’ Cute Creations 

Moving along, here’s what I have so far:

blue green dragon progress 1

I love how the pile of pieces always looks like a bunch of nonsense laying there and people look at you like, “That’s supposed to be a what?”.

This is the 3rd or 4th pattern I have tried now and I’ve noticed that pretty much every designer writes their patterns a little differently. I found this really intimidating at first, but now I like to look at it as a challenge and a way to expand my skills. I get so caught up in not wanting to suck at some things, that I never end up doing them. Anyways, this one had some new things in it for me that I thought were pretty cool.

blue green dragon progress 3

Exhibit A :) The last dragon I did had separate little cone shapes for knobby spikes that were sewn individually down his head and back. This pattern had me create a “mane” of spikes or bumps, whatever you want to call them. Genius! It’s just one long piece that will be sewn on down his back and one down his head.

blue green dragon progress 2

Exhibit B :) These are the ears. At first they were little cylinders and I was like “huh?”, but then the pattern told me to pinch them together and fold  when sewing on, so cute! So smart I thought. Unfortunately, mine came out slightly different shaped, but I’m cool with that. Dragons are supposed to be gruesome and imperfect to some extent, correct?

blue green dragon progress 4

Exhibit C :D And this here is the start of the body. It’s upside down I suppose, but the blue will be his tummy patch. I’m starting to get a little much needed practice with changing colors. It gets pretty fiddly at times, but as with anything, over time I’m sure it will get much easier.

Me awkward selfie

A very pleased with myself awkward selfie. It seems I am unable to ever look a camera in the eye if I’m the one taking the picture lol. Screw doing my hair, it’s Sunday morning, I’d rather crochet right now.

Hopefully I’ll be able to finish this bad boy in the next day or two, I’m excited to see how he turns out.

OH! I finally saw How To Train Your Dragon this weekend, I’M IN LOVE!!! How freaking a’s cute is that Toothless??!! He looks like a playful kitty, and loves like a puppy and FLY’S!!!! I went batty over it. I think dragons may be my new thing. Just maybe.

 

Anywho, I hope your weekend kicked all kinds of butt and I wish you the happiest Monday evah!!!

Dueces :)

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 137 other followers